I think I’m Just Gonna Love Myself Today

Driving to work today after a few days of emotional roller coaster- bittersweet feelings of leaving my job, sadness of leaving my professional community after 11 years, excitement about my next chapter and a dash of fear of the unknown, just for good historic measure. I saw the familiar landscape of my commute rolling by me, neon green wheat fields, families of brown cows out for a morning stroll and drink of pond water. I’d been dealing with some old, stale shame that I finally put to bed (I think). During the worst of that rumbling was an ache in my heart, a feeling of emptiness like a tin can. I had a great weekend with lots of family time, good rest, some time digging in the dirt planting flowers on Mother’s Day and good nutrition. I had a conversation with my daughter last night about how to deal with being scared. We read one of our favorite books What is God? and prayed before bed. I wasn’t exactly praying on my way to work but as the hazy sun rose, I had a feeling. Maybe a new feeling, maybe a feeling I’ve never had before. A feeling of self-love, radiating out from my heart into my head, throughout my whole body. Maybe it’s the back bends I’ve been doing every night for the last few nights. Maybe it was the love of my small family this weekend, including my annoying mutt who came in on Sunday morning and held my wrist in his mouth, smiling- this is the way he shows love- for an extended period of time. I decided to try and keep this feeling of self-love going all day. Even if I make 20 mistakes today, even if anxiety overwhelms me, even if I’m not the perfect parent or worker or friend. Just for one day.